Friday, April 17, 2009

Last night, Hunter had his first baseball practice. He was supposed to have his first practice a week ago, but the first time, it snowed half a foot... and then on this past Tuesday, it rained all day. So, last night we had some decent weather for a change.
The practice went well until Hunter got up to bat. He was SO GEEKED about hitting, that he got overly excited and was swinging like a wild man...trying to impress. The only problem with that is...he was swinging like a wild man. He wasnt watching the ball, he was just trying to hit it really hard, therefore he missed it EVERY TIME. They pitched to him 20 times before he got frustrated, threw down the bat, slung his helmet on the ground and went to pout on the bench.
After he calmed down, and was mildly threatened with a beating, he got back out on the field. Later he was able to bat again, and this time, he hit the ball no problem! SURPRISE! When you don't try too hard, and you keep your eye on the ball, things connect!
He was worn out when he got home, but he was happier.

Well, when I got home, I made dinner and then got right into reading Eclipse. I am having a hard time putting those books down lately. Edward is just too good to be true, and Jacob...well, he is BIG and STRONG, and has a sense of humor, and he is WARM. Ahhh... a teenagers dream! Anyways...I read for as long as I could...

I found out a little later that a certain someone called Mark yesterday asking to borrow money! I won't get into the specifics, but let me tell you! I was SO PISSED!
I wanted to call this person right then and threaten to CAVE their HEAD in if they EVER call him for money again, but they would just get off on that, so I thought better of it.
Besides, Mark did a good enough job of telling them where to get off, I think...but if it were ME... I would have told this person to get off at the nearest JOB FAIR... or STRIP CLUB.
That is typically where people EARN money from, right? Jobs, I mean.

Either way, it's Friday! It's a good day!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Positive Feelings and L-O-V-E!!!

Yesterday I went back through my posts, and I realized that I had alot of negativity in my blogs. Really, I am not a negative person, but my blogs sure do seem that way. I had lots of things about losing weight, or talking shit about people, or how sad I am about my daughter... and those are genuine feelings I put down there... but what I notice is that I usually write when I am feeling bad...I guess it is a way to help me relieve stress... I always feel better once I get those things off my chest. That way, I don't carry them around with me all day stewing over them unnecessarily.

I like to focus on the positive things in my life, so I figure that dumping the negative things out in writing is a way of helping me move forward. It's a purge, I guess.

My life is not terrible. I have WONDERFUL friends, a wonderful family, beautiful children, a good husband, a beautiful home, a beautiful cottage up north, a good job, a reliable car, food on the table and in the cupboards... so all in all, I don't have a terrible life. I have a good life. I am very proud of my life and my accomplishments, but looking at my previous posts, I was thinking... MAN! Could you BE any more NEGATIVE???

So, I am going to work on posting more of the positive things that happen in my life and not focus so much on the negative.


Friday, March 27, 2009

Random Update

My mood sucks right now. Last weekend, Jessie called me and said that she hasn't decided what she wants to do this summer...I asked her to clarify that, and she said that she hasn't decided whether she wants to come home for a visit or to stay for good. I told her we could talk about it some more as summer got closer. I was elated! I thought FINALLY she has realized that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and she misses home! I started making plans in my mind about things we could do when she got here and what rules I would have to lay down with her, and how I would have to make it a habit to talk with her on a daily basis about how she feels, and I would have to get her into the Psychiatrist's schedule again...etc. I felt good. I felt happy.

Well, I talked to Jessie again two nights ago. I asked her if she had given any more thought to whether or not she wanted to move back home. She hesitated. She said that things seem "different" up here, and that she is happier down there, but she didn't want to tell me that because she was afraid of hurting my feelings.
Now I could just SCREAM! I am hurt SO bad. I am frustrated as hell and heartbroken because I don't know if this is truly how she feels, or if this is stemming from her dad and stepmom telling her that I don't want her back here because she would ruin MY family. YEAH! THANKS FOR THAT, RENEE! I really appreciate you telling my daughter that bullshit!

**Side note** I had an instant messenger conversation with Renee where I expressed a fear that if Jessie came back, the same old stuff would start up again- skipping school, sneaking out, wild accusations to get attention, yelling, arguing, finger pointing...etc and told her that I don't think our family can handle any more of that kind of stress, but I was thinking of Jessie in the equation of our family...not that she was the SOURCE of the stress...but a part of the whole equation, and I was afraid of what that would mean for the lot of us. **End Side Note**

I told Jessie that I was going to give her stepmom a piece of my mind, and she begged me not to because she didn't want to have them yell at her or say any more stuff about me. It is taking everything in me to not drive to Tennessee with my shit kickers on and a couple cans of whoop ass strapped to my belt and go to town on a fat girl, load Jessie up and bring her home.

So, here I sit, festering with all of these emotions inside just raging like a wild storm at sea. I want blood. I want heads to roll. I want to stop crying. I want my daughter back. I want my daughter to be happy living with me.

From now on, I am going to keep my mouth shut when I talk to her stepmom because I think that she is trying to use what I say against me in the worst way.

Lesson learned.

I still hurt inside though.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brand New Baby!

My sister Angie had her baby on the 9th. She named her Juliana. Juliana is absolutely GORGEOUS! I know people say that about all babies, but Juliana IS actually beautiful! She is so perfect!
I went to the hospital last night to see her, and my parents were there. I was pretty happy and content in my own skin, for a change...but that all stopped so fast, that I got whiplash.
I was standing there with the camera looking at pictures, and my mom reaches over and gives me a good couple of pats on my gut. WTF! Then, her and my dad started laughing and my dad said..."Boy, you looked very...RELAXED" I wanted to deck him!

So, out went my self confidence and my contentment, and in crept the self doubt, and the old middle school insecurity and feeling that everyone is laughing at me behind my back...UGH!

Thanks, PARENTS! Time for an enema, a salad or twenty, endless hours jogging on the treadmill, and starving myself so that my PARENTS don't make fun of me.

Monday, March 9, 2009


Last week, I wrote Jessie an email telling her about some random things, and whatnot, hoping that I would get a reply back from her.
I did, but it didn't seem like her talking.
Well, next time I talked to her, I asked her if she was the one that replied back to me... she ignored my question. I asked her again...she said "hold on"...then after a minute or so, she came back on and acted like I had never asked her.
I dropped the question at that point, but it nagged at me. It just really didn't seem like her talking.
So, Saturday night, I got a call from her. She was staying at her grandparents house while her dad and his wife went out for their anniversary. We talked a bit, but then I brought up that email again. I asked her if she was the one who wrote it.
She told me not to tell her dad or stepmom that she told me, but her stepmom wrote the email, and she didn't have anything to do with it. She said "I don't talk like that". She is right! She doesn't.

It really bothers me that her stepmom took it upon herself to pretend like she is my daughter and wrote me back. Did she honestly think that I was too stupid to catch on? did she think that I wouldn't realize it was her?
Why would she do that? It annoys me. DEEPLY.

Oh well... I am not going to bring it up, but I am not going to email her anymore either. I guess I will keep it to conversations on the phone.



Thursday, March 5, 2009

Cool Runnings

At work the other day, I was waiting for the elevator with some of the professors from my department. They were discussing a running program that they were on. One of them said that she was just starting stage 3 of the program.
My curiosity was piqued, so I asked them what they were talking about.
They told me about a program called "Couch to 5k". It is designed to get people off the couch and out running. It starts you at a moderately slow pace where you warm up with five minutes of walking...and then jog at your own pace for one minute, then walk for 90 seconds. Then, jog for a minute and walk for 90 seconds. You do this for 20-30 minutes every other day for the first week...after the first week, it ramps it up to the next step.
The concept is that in 3 months time, you should be able to run a 5k marathon.
So, last night, I went home, got on the treadmill and tried it out. To my surprise, it wasn't that bad! I didn't feel too tired afterward, and actually look forward to doing it again!

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Of Horses and Husbands...

Today I was on my facebook page and I just happened to glance at some photos that one of my friends posted on her page. She had some pictures of her horses and her dog. I commented on the one of her foal that was kicking and running around. She responded by asking if I wanted to come over and help break him! Holy Cow! I told her that actually, yes I would! I would LOVE to learn more about horses. So, that led to her writing me back and telling me that I am welcome to come over and ride her 10 year old mare around while she walks the foal next to her. That sounds so wonderful! I told her that I would definitely love to do that!
So, it looks like I will be going over there to help out with her horses. She told me I can come any time to brush them or give them a treat or ride them or I am soooo excited! I can't wait!

I tried to call Mark to tell him about it, and he didn't answer his phone. After about 20 times of trying to call him, I called his work. They said they hadn't seen a while... what does that mean? Did he come in or didn't he? I talked to him this morning around 9, and he was home, puking and whatnot. He wasnt sure if it was something he ate, or if he has the flu or what.
So, now I am worried.
I am sure he is fine, but it is annoying when he doesnt answer his phone, and it is a bit scary too when you can't get ahold of someone.

That's pretty much it for now.