Friday, March 27, 2009

Random Update

My mood sucks right now. Last weekend, Jessie called me and said that she hasn't decided what she wants to do this summer...I asked her to clarify that, and she said that she hasn't decided whether she wants to come home for a visit or to stay for good. I told her we could talk about it some more as summer got closer. I was elated! I thought FINALLY she has realized that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and she misses home! I started making plans in my mind about things we could do when she got here and what rules I would have to lay down with her, and how I would have to make it a habit to talk with her on a daily basis about how she feels, and I would have to get her into the Psychiatrist's schedule again...etc. I felt good. I felt happy.

Well, I talked to Jessie again two nights ago. I asked her if she had given any more thought to whether or not she wanted to move back home. She hesitated. She said that things seem "different" up here, and that she is happier down there, but she didn't want to tell me that because she was afraid of hurting my feelings.
Now I could just SCREAM! I am hurt SO bad. I am frustrated as hell and heartbroken because I don't know if this is truly how she feels, or if this is stemming from her dad and stepmom telling her that I don't want her back here because she would ruin MY family. YEAH! THANKS FOR THAT, RENEE! I really appreciate you telling my daughter that bullshit!

**Side note** I had an instant messenger conversation with Renee where I expressed a fear that if Jessie came back, the same old stuff would start up again- skipping school, sneaking out, wild accusations to get attention, yelling, arguing, finger pointing...etc and told her that I don't think our family can handle any more of that kind of stress, but I was thinking of Jessie in the equation of our family...not that she was the SOURCE of the stress...but a part of the whole equation, and I was afraid of what that would mean for the lot of us. **End Side Note**

I told Jessie that I was going to give her stepmom a piece of my mind, and she begged me not to because she didn't want to have them yell at her or say any more stuff about me. It is taking everything in me to not drive to Tennessee with my shit kickers on and a couple cans of whoop ass strapped to my belt and go to town on a fat girl, load Jessie up and bring her home.

So, here I sit, festering with all of these emotions inside just raging like a wild storm at sea. I want blood. I want heads to roll. I want to stop crying. I want my daughter back. I want my daughter to be happy living with me.

From now on, I am going to keep my mouth shut when I talk to her stepmom because I think that she is trying to use what I say against me in the worst way.

Lesson learned.

I still hurt inside though.

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