Friday, March 27, 2009

Random Update

My mood sucks right now. Last weekend, Jessie called me and said that she hasn't decided what she wants to do this summer...I asked her to clarify that, and she said that she hasn't decided whether she wants to come home for a visit or to stay for good. I told her we could talk about it some more as summer got closer. I was elated! I thought FINALLY she has realized that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and she misses home! I started making plans in my mind about things we could do when she got here and what rules I would have to lay down with her, and how I would have to make it a habit to talk with her on a daily basis about how she feels, and I would have to get her into the Psychiatrist's schedule again...etc. I felt good. I felt happy.

Well, I talked to Jessie again two nights ago. I asked her if she had given any more thought to whether or not she wanted to move back home. She hesitated. She said that things seem "different" up here, and that she is happier down there, but she didn't want to tell me that because she was afraid of hurting my feelings.
Now I could just SCREAM! I am hurt SO bad. I am frustrated as hell and heartbroken because I don't know if this is truly how she feels, or if this is stemming from her dad and stepmom telling her that I don't want her back here because she would ruin MY family. YEAH! THANKS FOR THAT, RENEE! I really appreciate you telling my daughter that bullshit!

**Side note** I had an instant messenger conversation with Renee where I expressed a fear that if Jessie came back, the same old stuff would start up again- skipping school, sneaking out, wild accusations to get attention, yelling, arguing, finger pointing...etc and told her that I don't think our family can handle any more of that kind of stress, but I was thinking of Jessie in the equation of our family...not that she was the SOURCE of the stress...but a part of the whole equation, and I was afraid of what that would mean for the lot of us. **End Side Note**

I told Jessie that I was going to give her stepmom a piece of my mind, and she begged me not to because she didn't want to have them yell at her or say any more stuff about me. It is taking everything in me to not drive to Tennessee with my shit kickers on and a couple cans of whoop ass strapped to my belt and go to town on a fat girl, load Jessie up and bring her home.

So, here I sit, festering with all of these emotions inside just raging like a wild storm at sea. I want blood. I want heads to roll. I want to stop crying. I want my daughter back. I want my daughter to be happy living with me.

From now on, I am going to keep my mouth shut when I talk to her stepmom because I think that she is trying to use what I say against me in the worst way.

Lesson learned.

I still hurt inside though.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brand New Baby!

My sister Angie had her baby on the 9th. She named her Juliana. Juliana is absolutely GORGEOUS! I know people say that about all babies, but Juliana IS actually beautiful! She is so perfect!
I went to the hospital last night to see her, and my parents were there. I was pretty happy and content in my own skin, for a change...but that all stopped so fast, that I got whiplash.
I was standing there with the camera looking at pictures, and my mom reaches over and gives me a good couple of pats on my gut. WTF! Then, her and my dad started laughing and my dad said..."Boy, you looked very...RELAXED" I wanted to deck him!

So, out went my self confidence and my contentment, and in crept the self doubt, and the old middle school insecurity and feeling that everyone is laughing at me behind my back...UGH!

Thanks, PARENTS! Time for an enema, a salad or twenty, endless hours jogging on the treadmill, and starving myself so that my PARENTS don't make fun of me.

Monday, March 9, 2009


Last week, I wrote Jessie an email telling her about some random things, and whatnot, hoping that I would get a reply back from her.
I did, but it didn't seem like her talking.
Well, next time I talked to her, I asked her if she was the one that replied back to me... she ignored my question. I asked her again...she said "hold on"...then after a minute or so, she came back on and acted like I had never asked her.
I dropped the question at that point, but it nagged at me. It just really didn't seem like her talking.
So, Saturday night, I got a call from her. She was staying at her grandparents house while her dad and his wife went out for their anniversary. We talked a bit, but then I brought up that email again. I asked her if she was the one who wrote it.
She told me not to tell her dad or stepmom that she told me, but her stepmom wrote the email, and she didn't have anything to do with it. She said "I don't talk like that". She is right! She doesn't.

It really bothers me that her stepmom took it upon herself to pretend like she is my daughter and wrote me back. Did she honestly think that I was too stupid to catch on? did she think that I wouldn't realize it was her?
Why would she do that? It annoys me. DEEPLY.

Oh well... I am not going to bring it up, but I am not going to email her anymore either. I guess I will keep it to conversations on the phone.



Thursday, March 5, 2009

Cool Runnings

At work the other day, I was waiting for the elevator with some of the professors from my department. They were discussing a running program that they were on. One of them said that she was just starting stage 3 of the program.
My curiosity was piqued, so I asked them what they were talking about.
They told me about a program called "Couch to 5k". It is designed to get people off the couch and out running. It starts you at a moderately slow pace where you warm up with five minutes of walking...and then jog at your own pace for one minute, then walk for 90 seconds. Then, jog for a minute and walk for 90 seconds. You do this for 20-30 minutes every other day for the first week...after the first week, it ramps it up to the next step.
The concept is that in 3 months time, you should be able to run a 5k marathon.
So, last night, I went home, got on the treadmill and tried it out. To my surprise, it wasn't that bad! I didn't feel too tired afterward, and actually look forward to doing it again!

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Of Horses and Husbands...

Today I was on my facebook page and I just happened to glance at some photos that one of my friends posted on her page. She had some pictures of her horses and her dog. I commented on the one of her foal that was kicking and running around. She responded by asking if I wanted to come over and help break him! Holy Cow! I told her that actually, yes I would! I would LOVE to learn more about horses. So, that led to her writing me back and telling me that I am welcome to come over and ride her 10 year old mare around while she walks the foal next to her. That sounds so wonderful! I told her that I would definitely love to do that!
So, it looks like I will be going over there to help out with her horses. She told me I can come any time to brush them or give them a treat or ride them or I am soooo excited! I can't wait!

I tried to call Mark to tell him about it, and he didn't answer his phone. After about 20 times of trying to call him, I called his work. They said they hadn't seen a while... what does that mean? Did he come in or didn't he? I talked to him this morning around 9, and he was home, puking and whatnot. He wasnt sure if it was something he ate, or if he has the flu or what.
So, now I am worried.
I am sure he is fine, but it is annoying when he doesnt answer his phone, and it is a bit scary too when you can't get ahold of someone.

That's pretty much it for now.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Reflection and Change

Over the last few weeks and months, I have fallen into a lull. I have been lazy, down on myself and feeling less than optimistic about my future and my goals.
This morning when I woke up, it dawned on me. My problem is that I am bored. I don't have alot of friends around where I live, and I don't really have anything entertaining to do in my neck of the woods, so my choices are... do on the computer...or do more housework.
I live about 1/2 hour from everywhere, and since I carpool to work, there aren't alot of options for things to do in the city right after work.
I would LOVE to be able to go work out at the gym every day after work...or go for a swim at the YMCA, but I just don't have one nearby. I could spend the extra gas money to drive back to the city after I get home, but that is just stupid.
I am itching for people and things to see and places to go, and things to do.
Is this what is called Spring Fever?

So, anyways, I have realized that I am bored. Tonight wont be so bad because we are going to the home basketball game at the school. That will be a nice change of pace for me.

So, I guess what I am going to do is sit down, and make a list of things I would like to do when I am bored.
I am going to also make a list of things that need to be done around my house for spring cleaning. These things will require the help of my family, which will also be a nice change of pace since I usually do the "heavy" things on my own.

This weekend coming will probably get me started. I keep thinking about my mom. (Grandma).
She is lonely and would love to have someone come over and keep her company, so I am going to call her up and ask her what she would like to do...if she wants to go anywhere or whatever. I think I would enjoy a day with her. I don't get nearly enough of them.

Anyways, maybe after I have written my list, I will publish it on here to help give other people some ideas for things to do when you are bored.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Keeping Track...

I woke up this morning with a mission. I pretty much pigged out all weekend on chocolates, chips, pop, fast food...etc. I woke up and looked in the mirror, and I saw a pudgy, saggy gut, flabby thighs, a fat ass and flabby arms. This is not how I see myself mentally! This coming summer, I want to spend alot of time at the beach, and I want to be toned. So, I have decided that to do this, I need to spend at least an hour a day doing SOME sort of physical activity. Whether it be climbing stairs and doing a workout video, or running on the treadmill, or taking a long doesn't matter. I need to do something more than I do now. I feel gross. I feel frumpy.

So, today, rather than get a pop tart or donut for breakfast, I had some milk and a slice of lemon bread. For lunch, I am having a turkey sandwich that I packed, rather than eat out, and I am going to go up and down the staircase a couple of times. I am on the 4th floor, so it is quite a few flights of stairs, actually.

Maybe by summertime I will see a difference, right? I hope!

The next stage of my transformation will be highlights in my hair and a nice base tan so that I don't look so much like I just escaped from the flu ward.

After all of this, my next thing is to get my teeth straightened. Invisalign is pretty expensive, but I am going to go for it. Only a couple more months before my debts are paid, and I can pay for something like this without a payment plan! YESSSS!